A Toy Story
by MiizBHavvin
Summary: Time warp back to an innocent Liara receiving an inconspicuous, naughty package meant for our galaxy's hero. Hehehe that's my summary.
1. Chapter 1

Toy Story

A Kmeme fill and continuation of fill-a-thon of Getting off Route. Sorry been sick, Tayg, Theodur, Acevolkner, and N7Corsair I can't say enough good things about you. You make my dark days happier with your incredible stories.

Onwards, part 1.

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The ship was empty, and quiet. Everyone was on this "shore leave", what ever it meant. Humans were so strange. How anyone could intoxicate themselves into what the Chief called "oblivion" was beyond her. Their motor skills were non-existent, their breath was horrid, and they tended to speak of un-intelligent things from their childhoods. She thought back to her own; playing with Asari dolls, digging in the grass, and peddling a 3 wheeled contraption that allowed her to move slightly faster than walking.

As her stomach rumbled she made her way out of the small storage area so blatantly dubbed the "Prothean Expert's Palace". She was certain the humans were making fun of her despite the Commander's reassurances. She may be a maiden born last century but she was not born yesterday. _Goddess humans are true to their reputation._

Being part of Shepard's new found ground team did however, have it advantages. She'd line up for "slop" the crew called food and she was bumped not so descreetly to the front of the line. She'd be in the med bay with superficial wounds and get treated first.

Not knowing what this special treatment was, Liara steeled herself as she ran the different scenarios in which she'd confront the ship's Commander.

_Shepard, I'm a matriach's daughter, and expect to be treated as such. _Liara winced as she remembered _that _matriarch was trying to kill Shepard.

"_Commander, I feel you are giving me special treatment over the others." _ Yes, that was it, direct and to the point. But how come the other, lower part of her body didn't agree. It was completely illogical and ridiculous. Her internal battle ensued as she heard the crackling of the intercom.

"Joker. What can I do for you?" She blushed as she was brought back to reality, and what seemed to be the start of a terribly erotic fantasy, was cut short.

"There's a delivery guy, uh girl at the airlock wanting someone to sign for a package."

Liara pondered Joker's statement momentarily before realizing she was the only person besides Joker, left on board. Sure there was support staff, but she new in Shepard's and her mind, they didn't really count. Not really.

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Walking back to her office behind the medbay she found it somewhat curious that this mysterious (to her) delivery was packaged in non-descript plain brown paper, with simply the Commander's name and docking station hastily scribbled across the front. This discovery was almost more enticing than a new Prothean relic.

As she entered the medbay she very subtly nodded to Dr. Chakwas who was about to speak when she finally crossed the doors and locked them behind her. She smiled to herself thinking "clean break". She'd never considered herself arrogant but this was a sweet, as the Commander said on previous missions, get away.

The Prothean expert glanced around her room once again as she gripped the unknown package between her hands. _You're being utterly ridiculous. _ She remembered Shepard also cursing explicitly as her team was on a Mako free-fall. Upon landing brusquely she remembered Shepard agreeing to a surgical procedure involving a human tool called a q-tip and how it was inserted through the ear then removed part of the impulsive brain.

_Goddess, that sounds painful!_

Banishing all thoughts of pain and discomfort Liara starts lifting the taped paper off the box. As she removes the flaps slowly she can make out the letters S3K, followed by the best in:

…enterta….

…w and impr…

…ra sensitive…

…listic to tou…

Liara's eyes widen in horror, and arousal as she realizes this isn't Shepard's new gun. Well not the one she holds in her hand anyways… In combat… sort of.

TBC anons!

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	2. Chapter 2

Toy Story

A Kmeme fill and continuation of fill-a-thon of Getting off Route. Sorry been sick, Tayg, Theodur, Acevolkner, and N7Corsair I can't say enough good things about you. You make my dark days happier with your incredible stories. Hunhund, your story is still in progress

Please anons tell me how to Italic on this site as I write my stuff in word before publishing. Formatting here is fail, so until I know how to do it thoughts will be in 'simple quotes', and convos in regular quotes. Anons please help!

Onwards, part 2.

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_Liara's eyes widen in horror, and arousal as she realizes this isn't Shepard's new gun. Well not the one she holds in her hand anyways… In combat… sort of._

As she peeled the enticing flaps back of the brown package she got a clearer view of the parcel's contents. She could now clearly read:

Adult entertainment!

Grow and improvise it's size!

Ultra sensitive!

Realistic to touch!

She knew she shouldn't open the packaging further, but there was a curiosity she had yet to identify, subconsciously pushing her on. She carefully peeled back the tape sealing the main part of the box. Lifting the forbidden flap she was given a clear view of the box's contents. It revealed a rather tawdry, phallic shape with a sales pitch promising the best sexual experience or a full refund.

She felt her face heat up once again, she was sure she had turned 3 different shades darker.

_Stop it, you're invading the Commander's privacy… She may have bought it for you… The Commander is an extremely private person. She wants to test drive this on you and you want her to…_

She checked her crono-watch and convinced herself she would have time to explore this sexual artifact before it's owner came back to the ship. She would leave it on the Commander's desk, perfectly wrapped, way bill included. And play dumb. Yes, as far as she was concerned this was the Commander's new gun.

She finally, and carefully, managed to peel back all the brown wrapping, revealing the sexual artifact in all it's glory. It was indeed a sensor transmitting strap on, the smaller tip going in the "wearer", the larger, elongated end going in the … _Oh Goddess… _As she once again turned several shades darker.

In the Asari's mind, it was bad enough that she had researched Shepard's person and career on the extranet, now she was going through her "private", no "very private" things.

_Goddess damn this human. She's utterly infuriating._

Yes that was the reason why she looked into every delicious, burning, intoxicating and unrelentingly arousing part of the human's life. She had never met humans befUore her rescue, and was determined to discover what made them _tick_… function… think and behave the way they did. Academically speaking of course.

She glanced around the room, berating herself for being absolutely childish as she would surely not be caught with her hand in the cookie jar. And if she was, given how humans can not control their alcohol, she was sure she'd be able to talk her way out of an embarrassing situation. _You're a very influential Matriarch's daughter after all._

Taking a deep breath she decided to do it. Open the forbidden treasure trove that was Commander Shepard's package. Pleasure package… _Goddess!_

Inside she found a pale skinned human colored, oval, elongated object. She could only assume this was what a human male's gentillia looked like. She thought it curious that despite the many males on this ship that Shepard would chose a replication. Perhaps it's regulations, or anti-social behavior? Her face lit up upon realization that Shepard may not enjoy the company of men… As she could, according to her scientific observations on inter-sex relations, want only the sexual gratification this object could provide.

That was all the reassurance she needed. It was time to open the box fully then perform a thorough examination of the object inside. This could give her more insight as to how Shepard's mind, and humans in general worked.

Indeed, this was all in the name of scientific curiosity and nothing more. Right?

TBC anons!


	3. Chapter 3

Toy Story

A Kmeme fill and continuation of fill-a-thon of Getting off Route. Tayg, Theodur, Acevolkner, and N7Corsair I can't say enough good things about you. Hunhund, your story is still in progress. Also thanks to everyone who's fav'd, followed and reviewed. Xox really appreciate it.

Also wanted to mention my buddy ddraigcoch123 has a great story called "Through a Glass, Darkly." (Found in my follows). It's got action, lols, sexy times (which we all love), sweet and tender moments, Liara awkwardness… Check it out, let's wave MOAR flags and encourage another FemShep/Liara author to pleaseeee continue!

Onwards, part 3.

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_Indeed, this was all in the name of scientific curiosity and nothing more. Right?_

The resident scientist, in all her academic curiosity, carefully picked up the "adult toy" and marveled at it's plastic, yet soft texture. She wondered what material this was, and if it was designed this way to ensure the "user, receiver" was not discomforted. She then placed the toy next to her terminal and pulled out the instruction manual, running her hand over the cover while secretly marveling at the trove of information she held between her fingers. This would definitely provide her a key insight into the Commander… literally.

She once again glanced towards the med-bay door, listening intently for any signs of intrusion. Once convinced she was safe, Liara continued her exploration of the object's said manual and gently opened the cover while careful not to crease the spine.

The first 2 pages told her this was a Human/Salarian design. Further investigation of the said manual revealed that this object, through the remote control, could be programmed to resemble a Human, Turian, and Krogan… errr naughty bit.

_It's called a pe… I know… It's a scientific anatomical name… Oh Goddess, what am I doing? You're snooping… No, I'm researching… Suuurrreeeee thing. Shut up._

Blushing yet again she decided to skip ahead to the "how to use" section of the manual. The primary commands, 1-3, indicated the species the user wished to select, with the default average thickness and length. She had heard legendary things about the Krogan, and would rather die before asking Wrex if they were true. Feeling her heart rate increase she once again listened for any signs of intrusion.

_Just do it T'Soni…_

She saw the toy on her desk shift, then grow… Her eyes widened, and jaw dropped slowly as she shaft elongated. And elongated. And thickened. And grew some more. Then thickened again before finally stopping.

_Oh Goddess! How can anyone… how can this… Goddess the hospital bills!_

She'd never look at Wrex the same way again.

The sight of this monstrously large, object of what she was certain was torture, had her panic as she mashed the buttons on the remote in a feeble attempt to get it back to it's "factory" size. The adult relic changed colours, textures, thickness, all of which Liara didn't want.

_Calm down!_

She took a deep breath and returned to the manual. Human settings all begin with #1. Simple yes? She held her breath and pressed the number 1.

'_Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'_ the object started pulsating violently as it jumped up and down on her desk. The combination of panicked number crunching must have activated a new and unknown function!

_Goddess, help me!_

Liara froze and watched in horror as her commanding officer's private package vibrated itself off her desk and on to the floor. The slick, polished tiles caused little resistance as it bounced around with even more ease. As time slowed, her blush deepened and inner self began utterly breaking down into death-welcoming embarrassment, she remembered the fish bowl she dropped and broke as a child. Yes, this was definitely reminiscent of that floundering fish. Only this was an eel, no, whale… and she had to stop it.

Dropping to her knees she went after the toy snaking across the storage area, and by the Goddess, it was fast. And loud. Every move she made it seemed to counter her. Just when she thought it was cornered, it was propelled into a new direction. The sound, every time taunting her.

"_Bzzzzzzzzzzzzy body, should have minded your own bzzzzzzzzness."_

How infuriating. She thought about trapping her nemesis in a stasis field, but didn't want to risk her biotics burning the delicate rubber.

There. She had it. It finally was pinned between the wall and her cot's leg. She could then return it to it's original form, put it back in the box, re-wrap it and return it to the Commander's room. No harm, no foul. A small smile crept across her face as she reached for the relic. Victory was hers.

"Lose something, T'Soni?" A husky and all too familiar voice asks her.

Her heart nearly stopped and she for the first time in her life, wished the Goddess would strike her dead.

TBC oh yeah!


	4. Chapter 4

Toy Story

A Kmeme fill and continuation of fill-a-thon of Getting off Route. Tayg, Theodur, Acevolkner, and N7Corsair I can't say enough good things about you. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, fav'd and added me. This is incredibly amusing to write.

Also wanted to mention my buddy ddraigcoch123 has a great story called "Through the Glass, Darkly." You can find it in my follows. It's got action, lols, sexy times (which we all love), sweet and tender moments, Liara awkwardness… Check it out, let's wave MOAR flags and encourage another FemShep/Liara author to pleaseeee continue!

Onwards, part 4.

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_Her heart nearly stopped and she for the first time in her life, wished the Goddess would strike her dead._

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_10 minutes earlier:_

Shepard slowly made her way back to the Normandy, trying her best to sober up along the way. Yes, deep breaths of the Citadel's recycled "fresh" air would do it. So long as she didn't think about what exactly was in it.

_It's a little better than Omega, only the Asari aren't as hot._

As she walked through the ship's airlock she heard the intercom crackle. "Nice to have you back, Commander. Did you bring me back a blue beauty? Oh speaking of which, Liara signed for your package."

Shepard scowled at Joker's use of the term "Blue Beauty", although she secretly agreed. As the commander of an inter-species ship she couldn't let this sort of thing slide.

"Can it, Joker. I know your crippled ass can still scrub toilets with a tooth brush."

As she headed back to her room she smiled as she thought of the "special delivery" that was sure to be waiting for her.

She was about to key her door open when a small smirk crept upon her face. _That smile, those curves, those soulful, incredibly blue eyes… _This was the best sort of foreplay she could get… for now. She steeled herself, trying not to look too eager, _or aroused_, and made her way to the med-bay. The lab was dark, as Chakwas had obviously gone to bed. She looked further into the med-bay and could see the lights in Liara's quarters were still on.

_Just a quick conversation, wish her sweet dreams, undress her with your eyes, and head to bed. And play with your new toy. Your sexy new toy. _A lopsided smirk crossed her face as she approached the storage area's door.

She was about to knock on the door when she heard erratic shuffling, and a strange, yet familiar buzzing sound emanating from the other side.

_Oh fuck me. She signed for it… Jesus fuck… she opened it._ As her horror turned into amusement she thought about fetching the Chief as she recalled Ash saying, "ask her about her sex life" while practically choking on her words. No, that would be too cruel. That didn't mean she couldn't have some fun with this, right? She covered her mouth stifling the laughter about to erupt.

As she walked through the doors the sight in itself was worth every credit she'd spent. Their Prothean expert was on all fours, bumping her head, cursing the Goddess and looking very un-scholarly while chasing a sexual object Shepard was sure she'd never even heard of before today.

She crossed her arms over her chest, assuming her very "commanding", un-amused position. This was it. _Oh fuck I don't know if I can keep a straight face._

"Lose something, T'Soni?"

The Asari nearly knocked her cot over as she stood up and did a very piss poor job of "hiding" Shepard's still vibrating purchase behind her back.

"Uhh, C-Commander. I-I did not expect you back so, ahh, soon. Is there something I c-can help you uhh with?" Shepard, even in this dim lighting, saw the Asari turn several shades darker.

_Oh fuck, this is too easy. And too hard to pass up._

"You know Liara, you're not military, so a parade stance isn't necessary. You can be _'at ease'_ as we say."

The good doctor's eye's widened as she cleared her throat after briefly pausing. "Oh no Commander, I only wish to show you the s-same respect uhh everyone else d-does."

Shepard ran her hands though her hair as she momentarily turned her back to Liara. _Oh God… I ca-a-an't. _Her stomach hurt just from retaining her laughter. She took a very deep breath and turned around, Liara still frozen in her tracks.

She craned her head towards the Asari's desk. "So whatcha reading there, Doc? More research on the Protheans? Their culture, politics, _reproductive _practices perhaps? Anything I'd be interested in? For the mission you know…" Thank God it was dark as she was sure the poor scientist would otherwise see the tears of laughter forming in her eyes.

TBC oh how will Liara ever get herself out of this mess?


	5. Chapter 5

Toy Story

A Kmeme fill and continuation of fill-a-thon of Getting off Route. Tayg, Theodur, Acevolkner, and N7Corsair I can't say enough good things about you. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, fav'd and added me. This is incredibly amusing to write.

Also wanted to mention my buddy ddraigcoch123 has a great story called "Through the Glass, Darkly." You can find it in my follows. It's got action, lols, sexy times (which we all love), sweet and tender moments, Liara awkwardness… Check it out, let's wave MOAR flags and encourage another FemShep/Liara author to pleaseeee continue!

Onwards, part 5.

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_Thank God it was dark as she was sure the poor scientist would otherwise see the tears of laughter forming in her eyes. _

Oh Goddess. How would she ever talk her way out of this complete, social disaster? As she saw the Commander step towards her desk she nearly reached out for her, only stopping at the last moment as she remembered the toy she'd very cleverly hidden behind her back. She instead side-stepped into Shepard's path.

"Ahh C-Commander, that is not uhh anything to do with the Pr-rotheans." She secretly hoped that statement was enough to convince the Commander to turn back.

"Oh? That looks like quite a thick book, Doctor. I hope I'm not intruding… What topic seems to have captivated your attention at such a late hour?"

_She's laughing at you. You invaded her privacy. She doesn't know!_

"Since this is a ahhh m-multispecies crew, I was reading up on ahhh different c-cultures." _Smooth, T'Soni, very smooth. You probably scored some pro-activity points with her too!_ A gentle smile crept across her lips. Yes, she was going to get away with this.

Shepard raised her hand over her mouth and faked a yawn, once again hiding an almost unbearable need to burst out laughing. _Oh fuck this is too good._ Although she didn't know much about Asari society, she was quite sure they didn't refer to sexual encounters as "cultural experiences".

"And what cultures have you so passionately immersed yourself in?" A gleam of amusement filled her eyes as she noticed the look of utter embarrassment plaster itself all over the scientist's face. _God, she's so cute when flustered._

Liara shifted her weight from side to side and looked down before responding. _Don't crack now, T'Soni. You're almost in the clear._

Regaining her composure, she finally spoke. "Uhhh several actually. Humans, Turians, and ahh Kr-rogans." She nearly started panicking again as she felt that piece of "Krogan culture" still vibrating between her hands.

"And what about the Quarians? We have one on board too you know." The poor Asari looked like she was about to have a nervous breakdown… _Yes I'm definitely going to hell for this but oh God, was this ever a fun ride._

"I have not looked into them ahh yet. C-Commander, if I may, you are uhh l-looking quite tired… Not that you look bad, but you've been y-yawning and such. Perhaps we can continue this t-tomorrow?" She held her breath and prayed to her deity Shepard would agree, and finally leave.

_Oh God… Her wrists must be getting sore from holding that thing… Oh fuck this is the funniest thing I've ever seen… _Shepard tilted her head back and stretched her arms out in front of her face, mocking fatigue.

"I suppose you're right, Doctor. I am getting tired."

A huge sign of relief flashed across Liara's face as she exhaled the breath she had been holding for what seemed to be an eternity. _See Mother, I can talk my way out of awkward situations. Bravo Little Wing, very well done._

"Before I go, and maybe it's just my hearing from all those bullets whizzing past my head… Is your terminal malfunctioning? Cause I'm hearing this obnoxious buzzing sound. Here, let me call up the engineering team to have a look." She activated her omni-tool as she turned her back to the scientist while pretending to open a comm channel. _Hahahaha oh fuck._

"It's your hearing! I mean yes, I uhhh don't hear a t-thing, I uhh, there's no sound. At all."

"Ok well, if you sure."

Liara couldn't be more relieved that Shepard's back was turned at that moment as she had very suddenly broken into a marathon type sweat. "Positive, so uh w-well good night, C-Commander."

Shepard de-activated her omni-tool and headed for the storage room's door. _Oh THANK the Goddess! I'll never research the Commander again. It's called spying. I was curious. It's still spying._

Shepard stopped and looked over her shoulder to Liara before keying the door. "Oh, I almost forgot. Joker said you signed for my package, did you leave it in my quarters?" A very wicked grin spread across Shepard's face as she saw the Asari's eyes widen in absolute horror.

TBC oh noes! Just when she was home free, right?


	6. Chapter 6

Toy Story

A Kmeme fill and continuation of fill-a-thon of Getting off Route. Tayg, Theodur, Acevolkner, and N7Corsair I can't say enough good things about you. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, fav'd and added me. This is incredibly amusing to write, although have had a major block. Hope this end doesn't disappoint too much as I had no clue how I was going to finish this.

Please check out "Through the Glass, Darkly." It has everything we love in a continuing FemShep/Li story.

Onwards, part 6, the finale.

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"_Oh, I almost forgot. Joker said you signed for my package, did you leave it in my quarters?"_

For the first time in her young Asari lifetime she finally understood the meaning of this human explicative, all it's implications, adjective, verb, noun, adverb, everything encompassing the word "fuck". Simplistic yes, 4 letters, but oh so descriptive. Indeed this was a truly _Goddess, fuck me_ situation. All her acolyte training, etiquette classes, and Benezia's cultural sensitivity lectures had certainly not prepared her for this moment.

Should she confess? Or keep up this charade? Does the Commander know? Surely as brash as the Commander is she would have said something if she knew, right?

"I, I a-hh, I put it…"

_If you want any chance of ever using this on her you'll let this drop… But she's so… You'll stop this now… Why do you sound like Chakwas? Oh for fuck sakes…_

"Never mind, Doctor, it's getting late and I'm tired. Just give it to Ash, she's going to want to calibrate and upgrade it before our next mission, _I'm sure_." As she opened the door and stepped out of the storage area she was once again reminded of brimstone and fire.

Finally the Commander was gone. In a panic she dropped the toy only to have it very crudely continue its exploration of her room. Only she didn't care. She had 4 hours to complete her task. Yes, a switcheroo. She went to the small locker on the opposite side of her desk and pulled out her gun. But what would the Commander say when she showed up for a mission unarmed?

_First things first, T'Soni._

She carried her gun over to the parcel and started visually measuring it. Oh Goddess, looks like the gun's handle was slightly larger than the box. Even when removing all the package's protective inner padding the gun's handle still protruded by an inch.

_Goddess, 'fuck' it._

She reached for the wrapping paper and tape…

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_3 years later: Apollo's Café_

An older Matriarch stood behind the bar smirking, obviously proud of what she had said.

"It doesn't work like that!" Just then a pair of arms wrapped themselves around her waist.

"What doesn't work like what?" Shepard asks not having heard the prior conversation.

The arrogant Matriarch leans on the bar and proudly exclaims; "Kiddo's heritage, she's trying to deny she's a quarter Krogan."

Shepard tightened her grip on her lover and nuzzled her face into the Asari's neck. "Well that explains it all doesn't it?"

Upon seeing the flustered look on her daughter's face Aethyta bursts out laughing. "Now this I gotta hear babe. Oh, and still no sex on the bar."

Liara twists around in Shepard's arms, alarmed and asks: "When have you ever seen my head-butt anyone?"

A very smug smirk draws itself out on Shepard's face. "Oh I've never seen you head-butt anyone, but there was this one night about 3 years ago where you were quite…. well immerzzzzzed into 'Krogan culture' huh?"

Aethyta, catching on, started once again roaring with laughter…"Oh Goddess, I've had a thousand years to fight dirty and just as many to think along the same lines… Did-"

"Shepard!"

Shepard was then biotically shoved out of Liara's hysterically laughing father's ear-shot. "All those years, you knew?"

Barely choking back her own laughter she squeaked out, "yes?"

Amongst the background noise she could hear Aethyta congratulating her, explicitly, for breaking from the hopeless prude image her years of spying on Liara had formed within her.

"You are so sleeping on the couch tonight." Liara quietly said while her biotics flared.

"Technically, its my couch…" Liara's face crunched up further.

"We're going to Tuchanka tomorrow to cure the Genophage." Shepard said, eyes watering, lip trembling.

Liara looking very un-amused says, "And?"

_Oh fuck, loose lips sink ships. Especially when it's the Shadow Broker's ship._ _Right?_

Taking a deep breath Shepard holds her hands in a defensive position. "Well, I uh thought I'd take along my Prothean/Krogan expert for the mission? Since we're g-gonna be with Javik and W-Wrex…" She barely stammers out.

"Shepard…."

"Ah ya, so I guess that means no Krogan model tonight?" Shepard rolls out of a weak biotic warp's path and runs for the stairs…

END

**A/N:** Now that I've had a taste for crack fics, this being my first, will surely write more. Me1 awkward Liara is especially fun to fuck with, no? Thanks for the encouragement and cheers everyone!


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